Idk if others feel this, but when a person I love does something I dont expect them to do it hurts my heart… Like I mean literally, hurts my heart, Its almost like my heart is broken… 

there was a time last year that my heart would hurt like this for 4 or 5 days because I was so sad about how a certain person I love, hurt me with their words and actions. I would even get these muscle tension headaches due to it as well, because I would get stressed out. During that time I thought if there was anyone in my life it was only them no one else.

I have since forgotten about this certain person, and my heart hasnt hurt nor have I had headaches of the sort. But once in a while, I will either hear their name or hear of what they have done, or someone might ask me about them. During these certain times all the feelings all come back to me, and same time theres this feeling of resent for them. 

Today I found out something about them and my heart started hurting again, I felt so angry. Just this feeling of rage, that I wanted to pick something up and throw it across the room, not caring if it shattered in pieces. But before I did that immediately I thought, why? its almost a year since everything has past. Why do I still care so much? For someone who doesnt care about me, about how my health deteriorated just with the thought of myself not being good enough. cut myself because of them, went to a psychologist because of them, psychologist recommended that I go see a psychiatrist so that I could get medicine for DEPRESSION! of course I never went. 
me constantly crying almost every day for a year and a half… 

I still care for this person lol… im such an idiot. 
I care for someone who doesnt give a shit about me, thats my life. 
People have warned me about this alot, my keertan bhaji, told me straight up, “Avi, you need to know that not many people will love you back the way you love them, so try to restrain yourself from giving that part of yourself away, theres a reason why you get hurt”. 

people say that love is the answer to everything… my problem is that I Love too much…

home in LA… day 1 complete. Just thinking that this is where it all started, my reasons for leaving this house, this bed, this room. but here I am, same place again, in the same house… but I dont feel like the same person no more. That person was so scared of almost everything, even the people who were the closest to her, scared of living in her own house, afraid of trusting others. Now Im different… even though after I moved out I put my trust in alot of random people I learned to figure out who my real friends are and who arent. Im not as afraid as I used to be either. Ive come back a changed person. 
LA is different then the bay area, Im one of the only gursikh girls in my area, the closest ones are like, an hour or hour and half away, and with LA traffic thats like 2-3 hours lol. On top of that not many punjabis live here either as the bay has. So its really hard being who I am in this place. Before moving to the bay I used to think the Bay area was like heaven for they had so many gursikhs there and always had some sort of program going on, like a keertan or gatka event etc. It was only after moving there that I realized, that “the grass always seems greener on the other side”. It wasnt all that I expected it to be, it was good, but not the “heaven” that I thought of it as. 

I learned alot about how to live during my time there, and Im glad I did. Now to start a new chapter of life back in LA. Where I truly am alone, the only turbaned girl in the area, only gursikh girl in the gurdwara, at school etc. Time to see what the future holds for me THIS time. I honestly believe Guru ji is with me, and has been with me throughout this whole time. Otherwise how would I have grown so much from my old self, as much as I have. 

So if from all the good and bad can make me who I am right now? I think the future holds something just as good. 

only with Guru Ji’s Kirpa can something like this happen, I can only imagine what will happen next. 
Let life keep on bringing what it brings :)

there was a friend who I was close with for about 3.5 years, this friend knew about my every insecurity, every painful situation in my life, was there for me when I needed someone to be there for me most, at a time of my life where I didnt know if I could even stand to live another day. That person stopped talking to me all at once one day, saying that they had other priorities in life, to which I said fine, its okay, go ahead,  and now Im finding out that this person is talking about me to other people. Most of these things happen to be very personal to me and happened at a very difficult time in my life where I didnt know right from wrong. To have trusted this person… just thinking about it brings a lump in my throat.

So I went to Canada this week, Im basically still here since Were all kinda still in bed :/, but thats besides the point. The first thing I noticed was the amount of ‘aapne’ (brown people) that live here, and compared to cali? Ya’ll got a bit too much man! Like we have brown people in cali but the only few places you would see them walking around the streets like surrey is like san jose/fremont area and even then we all dont live in the same neighborhood we all tend to live like far away from eachother. So yeah me not being used to that kind of freaked me out (sorry guys but it did lol). Apart from that I was happy that I found the world famous ‘dr. Terry Mah’ ‘s dental office, which happens to be a hilarious name for us brown people, I couldnt help myself but take a picture with the sign outside. I also happened to watch Sadda Haq for the first time here in surrey, alone! Since my friends were like ‘we watched it so were gonna go’ but i think watching it alone let it actually get it to me the way it was meant to. That movie is amazing guys! Please go watch it! I cried a couple times, so its pretty good.
The weather really got depressing after a while, since It was raining almost everyday, except for that one random day it was sunny but it was still really cold that day too. We went to white Rock twice, in the rain, on the first day my friend trespassed on the pier (it was undergoing construction) and stole a lifeboat, rowed it back to the shore and left it there (yes, I know, such an idiot). The second time we just hung out for a couple minutes and came back home.
We had sangat over friday night, and ended up doing keertan for about 4 hours (canadians do hella good keertan :( me jealous), before we stopped and had pizza and watched a movie, till like 4am.
I believe my favorite day was yesterday, saturday April 13th, 2013. After a whole night of movies we still got up early morning and went to Vancouver Nagar Keertan (no not surrey, vancouver, my friend told me to make that clear), which happens to be the more folk aspect of Vaisakhi rather than the religious. There was bhangra, and gidha everywhere, including radio station people, I believe I can safely call it a mela. I found it really bizarre that they had bhangra in a nagar kirtan that I made videos, because stuff like this would NEVER happen in cali, if they have vaisakhi melas they make em separate then the nagar keertans. So our nagar keertans tend to turn out like legit nagar keertans. Like even Yuba City nagar keertan isnt like this. (And thats considered calis mela, if this worse than yuba? Oh god). Still had fun though, me and my friend did gatka for like a couple seconds, since we really wanted to. Ended up talking to some of the Sikh motorcycle club uncles for a bit. Food was amazing as well.
So after the Nagar keertan we took 6 people to the Rally for Professor Bhullar that was happening in Downtown Vancouver, in front of the Indian Consulate. That happened to be A great experience for me, because it was my first time going to a rally, i always tried going to one in Cali but stuff would come up. Many of the speakers were amazing such as Paneet Singh and Bibi Bhupinder Kaur, rest I dont remember names. Bhupinder Kaurs speech almost made me cry, but she stopped before that happened. I would definitely remember the words she said.
When we got home from the Rally we quickly freshened up again and went to the Keertan at Khalsa School, Surrey in memory of the Shaheeds of 1984 and Vaisakhi. Where I met a few people that I knew. Always good meeting cybersangat. :)
Followed by a reinsbhai at Dasmesh Darbar, where I stayed for about 2 hours, and met the beautiful tumblr friend daughterofgurugobindsingh, who I really was excited to meet. So yeah out of the whole week I loved saturday. People are different here in canada, sangat is different as well, but i think as an outsider thats where I have to come and try to adjust.
My first time in canada I wouldnt call it great, but I would say that it had its moments where it was fun. So it was a good experience. Thanx for being good to me caneda/canadia/Canada.
Peace Out!

Its been a while since I wrote, took pictures, or even talked about my feelings in general. I did in fact KINDA start drawing and painting again though. Thing is why? Why should I talk about my feelings? Does anyone actually care? I’ve been on this denial stage for a few weeks now where I’m all happy and being funny, but in the back of my head I keep getting the thought that everything is not okay. When guru sahib says

ਜਗਤਮੈਝੂਠੀਦੇਖੀਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ॥

In this world, I have seen love to be false.

ਅਪਨੇਹੀਸੁਖਸਿਉਸਭਲਾਗੇਕਿਆਦਾਰਾਕਿਆਮੀਤ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥

Whether they are spouses or friends, all are concerned only with their own happiness. ||1||Pause||

I Know exactly what guru sahib is talking about because I’ve felt this false love from those whom I should have felt the most love from. Why else did I go and look for this so called “true love” outside of my own home to feel accepted. But no one understands right? jump right into judging you first because you don’t live at home with your parents, then because people have a tendency to spread rumors which aren’t true. 5 years of pure trauma from home… then 1 and 1/2 of recovery, which included mistakes that I can probably never forget… but I’ve learned so much from them.
I learned to say no.

No you cant tell me to grow up, because Its my age to still be a kid and I WILL be a kid. No, you cant tell me to lose weight because you think I’m too fat, that’s my decision to make not yours. No, you cant tell me to change who I am, if you don’t understand why I act the way I act, even after telling you all that I’ve gone through in life, that’s your fault not mine. NO, you cant bring me down any more because I’ve already gone to that level and brought myself back up, and there’s nothing you can say to make me go want to kill myself anymore. Only I know how I felt during those couple of weeks where I was in such a state of shock I couldn’t think, even if I wanted to my mind was blank. Only I know how I cried and screamed for 3 days straight once I realized what had happened and what I had done.
How for months I was like ‘no I’m okay, I cant be going crazy’. Only to be sitting in a psychologists office within the first year, because I cut myself.

I realized after a 1 and half that because my parents screwed up on giving me love I wanted someone else to love me and accept me as I am. But wanting that only lead to me being more broken day after day. The whole time I knew I was supposed to put my faith in guru ji, I knew he loved me no matter what, but never actually acknowledged it because I wanted a physical form of love. A physical person to come up to me and say ‘I Love You’.
Thank Guru JI, that person left my side when he did otherwise I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I still want affection but not from my parents or friends. I want affection from guru’s sangat, I want affection from guru ji. I want the feeling I had when I went to west coast sikhi camp this year, during diwan. The feeling where my soul felt like it was about to jump every time there was simran, every time I held a bhenjee in a hug and you just knew there was love. You just knew.
I’ve come a long way from where I was in November of 2010 and now, but its not anywhere close to where I need to be. I still get jealous, I still get angry, I still give nindya to those especially who have hurt me in the past. There so much I need to change about myself for my guru. But whatever others say will never hurt me, because I’m not person no more.
My past doesn’t define me, It helped me become who I am today, because I learned from my mistakes.

Even though I’m from a gursikh family to begin with, it doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. I had to go through my own journey to find my way.
So no, my previous being and who I am today are two different people. Were not the same at all. I’ve finally found where I belong, no judging or criticism of anyone’s can take that away.

ਜੈਤਸਰੀਮਹਲਾ ੫ ਘਰੁ ੪ ਦੁਪਦੇ
Jaitsree, Fifth Mehl, Fourth House, Du-Padas:

ੴਸਤਿਗੁਰਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥
One Universal Creator God. By The Grace Of The True Guru:

ਅਬਮੈਸੁਖੁਪਾਇਓਗੁਰਆਗ੍ਯ੍ਯਿ ॥
Now, I have found peace, bowing before the Guru.

ਤਜੀਸਿਆਨਪਚਿੰਤਵਿਸਾਰੀਅਹੰਛੋਡਿਓਹੈਤਿਆਗ੍ਯ੍ਯਿ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
I have abandoned cleverness, quieted my anxiety, and renounced my egotism. ||1||Pause||

ਜਉਦੇਖਉਤਉਸਗਲਮੋਹਿਮੋਹੀਅਉਤਉਸਰਨਿਪਰਿਓਗੁਰਭਾਗਿ ॥
When I looked, I saw that everyone was enticed by emotional attachment; then, I hurried to the Guru’s Sanctuary.

ਕਰਿਕਿਰਪਾਟਹਲਹਰਿਲਾਇਓਤਉਜਮਿਛੋਡੀਮੋਰੀਲਾਗਿ ॥੧॥
In His Grace, the Guru engaged me in the Lord’s service, and then, the Messenger of Death gave up pursuing me. ||1||

ਤਰਿਓਸਾਗਰੁਪਾਵਕਕੋਜਉਸੰਤਭੇਟੇਵਡਭਾਗਿ ॥
I swam across the ocean of fire, when I met the Saints, through great good fortune.

ਜਨਨਾਨਕਸਰਬਸੁਖਪਾਏਮੋਰੋਹਰਿਚਰਨੀਚਿਤੁਲਾਗਿ ॥੨॥੧॥੫॥
O servant Nanak, I have found total peace; my consciousness is attached to the Lord’s feet. ||2||1||5||

I’ve noticed many friends as well as myself (not going to leave me out) sleep late at night, and then wake up later in the morning around 9 or 10 and then do their nitnem. When our hukam for doing nitnem is during amritvela, before 6am. I have on many occasions also witnessed where we get ready for a nagar keertan or big program and just not do our nitnem at all as well.

I think our mind favors to Kaam, krodh, lobh, moh, and ahankar mainly because we arent doing our nitnem at the right time. I know personally know many who wake up at 11 in the afternoon and do their nitnem then. 

At first it didnt bother me but now its really starting to bug me, like I know “who am I to judge what others are doing?’ but this this the sikh panth were talking about. If we  ourselves arent doing our nitnem properly at the right time, or even at all, how is the panth itself suppose to be as strong as it was during Guru ji’s time, or during Sant Ji’s time. 

The one thing that hurts me the most is ITS OUR HUKAM to do nitnem at amritvela, yet most of us dont, were going against our guru’s hukam. 

Bul Chuk Muaf Karni, just my two cents on the topic, something thats been bothering me for a while.

Everything and everyone in the world is dependant on the Almighty lord.

example :- A sider makes its own web, but in order to make a web a spider has to eat. Hence it is dependent.

*sewa —> It is sewa, but look at the other person as god himself, not a family member, not a friend.

So Just Today while coming to work I started talking to my taxi driver, and he was just a middle aged Asian man until he asked me if I was from India, to which I replied Yes I am, and thats where our conversation started. He started by asking where in India I was from and I said ‘Punjab’ to which he said oh ok, I’ve been to rajisthan which is a little south from there. He then asked about religion and said are you a sikh? and I said yes I am, to which he asked ‘I’ve been told that Sikhism is a combination of both Islam and Hinduism is that true?’ I told him that you will see many similarities within the religions but its not exactly a combination of both. After which was followed by a long discussion about how India and Pakistan was one country, and how the Sikh Regime was the last to be taken over by the British, and how the British had to infiltrate the regime from the inside to take over the state. To prove this fact is the Kohinoor jewel which is now kept in a museum in England, that jewel which used to belong to Maharaja Ranjit Singh. How Mahrani Jind Kaur was kept in jail somewhere in east India and Mahraja Dalip Singh was taken to England and not allowed to see his mother until her dying years.
I can keep going on and on about what we talked about, the conversation even went to talking about Gandhi and how big of a fake he was.
In the end we exchanged facebook information so I can tell him more and give him articles to read about the indian government and indian religions. Supposedly he and his friends have a small group where they study about indian religions and history, hopefully I will be a great help for them :)

For a few days now I’m much happier than before, why? you might ask.
Whatever it was that was bothering me, I’ve decided to let it go, I need to be happier for myself. I stay serious, and over-think things, and over-thinking leads to negative thoughts. I’ve decided to go out and be active, exercise, go dance, try doing something to make me be successful. I can cry about being alone, and how no one stays in my life, later on. But if I’m going to be sitting here crying about that everyday I’m not gonna get anywhere. If I have a problem with how I look I got to fix it myself. No one else is going to do that for me but myself.

So yeah, for the past few days I’ve been avoiding the serious talks with people, when they start a serious conversation I just tell go along with it and say yes I’ll take care of it and then go back into my goofy mood that I’ve had the whole day. The goofy mood actually works, just trying to keep that smile, next thing you know your smiling because you actually want to :)

Is it just me or are girls in india just crazy?

LOL a gursikh girl asked my friend to find a singh for her, later asks if he found someone for himself, when he answered he wasn’t looking and not planning to, her reply is “Are you crazy? Everyone needs a life partner!” wait what??!so your saying that even when we grow old and when our partner passes away were supposed to go marry someone again? like ok totally understood if you just got married and your husband passed away or wife passed away withing the first few years that you go on and marry someone else but wth??

another gursikh I know in india, kept telling me about this guy she planned on marrying, she’s more educated then him and didnt feel comfortable, so told her to say no to the rishta, 1 month later ‘oh we made a deal that if i lose weight, and he does his bachelors we will get married’ I go ok good. another month later ’ oh i found another problem his families poor, they own a cellphone store in india and he only makes around 1200 a month, house is too small how am I going to live?’ umm is your family rich? you dont even own a business. 2 months later now ‘oh I found a good reason to say no to this marriage, he doesnt believe in raag mala’ first of all if you didnt want to marry him just say no from the start why push it out this many months before saying no, no one was forcing you to marry the guy. Second of all are you friggin SERIOUS!!!! -_-

seriously think the whole indian thinking in india is whack! like people are seriously crazy… no common sense…

So I’ve been depressed before, but not as depressed as I have been for the past 1 and half. Mainly because I gained over 50 pounds in less than 2 months last febuary. Over half of the problems I think about most of the time I’m looking at myself in the mirror going eww look at yourself. It’s not that I want to look good, its like my friends go hiking and I can’t hike because I lose my breath within the first 5 minutes, I run up stairs and I’m like heaving. On top of that is gatka, I feel like I can’t do gatka anymore because I lose my breath so much, and as a sikh, gatka is a huge part of my life. My family history of diabetes and high cholesterol doesnt help much either, that just scares me.

So basically today I looked up my body mass and it says I am obese. lol.
Been thinking about it for a while but this time I’m really going to start. My goal is to lose at least 2-3 pounds a week by exercising and eating right.

I know it doesnt sound much but thats like 10 pounds every month, and if i keep it up I can be active again by the gatka competition in March next year :D

hmmm new years resolution? nahhh more like first step to stop being so depressed :)

    SO, I’m finally going to be getting the keys to my new apartment tomorrow, I’m in a way totally excited but then at the same time I’m worried. Idk why but I’m worried. Like Come on I should be happy about finally getting a place of my own, all on my own! Without anyone’s help, I’m getting it all with my own money. With Guru Sahib’s kirpa I can say I accomplished something, I don’t have someone in the background saying “Whatever you have is not yours its all ours, you’ll never do anything with your life”, at least I finally made the first step of working my butt off and getting something that I can say is my own accomplishment. It’s finally coming about.

   I know I haven’t properly started school, every time I start I drop my classes because I couldn’t make my rent, or was too tired from the night before because of work, or because I worked too much never did my homework and was failing. The idea of not going kills me, but what should I do when the first priority is to survive and have a roof over my head, before anything else? I worked my butt off to be where I am right now, and still working for something more. I have an apartment, like a friggin TWO bedroom apartment! Next thing on the list is a car, which I’m going to be getting next month If I save enough money. Just this month I got to work hard and then I dont have to as much later. I have my place and I have my car, if that happens I finally get to register for classes at college.

   I can finally go to college properly without having to worry about missing the bus or the bus getting me late to work after class. I finally get to go to gurdwara as much as I want to whenever I want to. I can finally go to amritvela, or evening diwans, or smagams etc. as much as I want.

Then in January, my friend is going to be moving from Seattle to go to school here, she’s going to be moving in with me. That means I won’t be alone, but will have a sister to do everything with! Instead of doing everything by myself, I can do it all with her. I will have a little bit of a sense of a family when she comes.

Basically saying that I’m excited for whats coming in my future, same time I’m scared something is going to come along and most of this isn’t going to happen. But same time if it’s meant to be it will all fall in place like it has this past year and half. Hopefully Guru sahib helps me with what I want.

I remember I used to neve be away from a Harmonium, every week for 3 days I had to be on the vaja, either performing or learning or teaching someone a shabad. That was my life for almost 8 years, Practice, perform, practice, perform… and then all of a sudden STOP. I moved out to san jose and thats it I stopped, didn’t touch it, out of the past 2 years I believe I performed a shabad 3 times, and practiced my vaja about couple douzen times. 

Today I was showing my roommates parents my baby pictures and pictures of my parents, and randomly my roommate goes ‘Hey Avnit, sing us a shabad my moms been wanting to listen to your voice for a while now’ (supposedly he heard me singing in my room once), and I said sure and I brought it out along with my shabad book. 

The moment I touched the keys it was like something hit me inside, this urge of pain, and longing and wanting to be something… I touched the keys and started playing my favorite shabad. Actually played a few others but it was during this one I felt something most.

Guru Arjan Dev Ji in Siree Raag on Pannaa 80 

Chhant:

su(n)dhar suaamee dhhaam bhagatheh bisraam aasaa lag jeevathae jeeo ||
My Lord and Master’s Home is beautiful. It is the resting place of His devotees, who live in hopes of attaining it.

man thanae galathaan simarath prabh naam har a(n)mrith peevathae jeeo ||
Their minds and bodies are absorbed in meditation on the Name of God; they drink in the Lord’s Ambrosial Nectar.

a(n)mrith har peevathae sadhaa thhir thheevathae bikhai ban feekaa jaaniaa ||
They drink in the Lord’s Ambrosial Nectar, and become eternally stable. They know that the water of corruption is insipid and tasteless.

bheae kirapaal gopaal prabh maerae saadhhasa(n)gath nidhh maaniaa ||
When my God, the Lord of the Universe became merciful, I came to look upon the Saadh Sangat as the treasure.

sarabaso sookh aana(n)dh ghan piaarae har rathan man a(n)thar seevathae ||
All pleasures and supreme ecstasy, O my Beloved, come to those who sew the Jewel of the Lord into their minds.

eik thil nehee visarai praan aadhhaaraa jap jap naanak jeevathae ||3||

They do not forget, even for an instant, the Support of the breath of life. They live by constantly meditating on Him, O Nanak. ||3||

I start singing the shabad and all of a sudden inside of me just goes Waheguru, waheguru, Waheguru, waheguru. Like as if something turned on… and I couldnt help it but sing the shabad in a way that would please my mind, in full concentration to the guru. To cry out and say to myself, dont ever forget Guru ji even for a second and live by singing his praises. It made me feel like there was nothing to worry about… just wanted to keep saying Jap Jap Nanak Jeevathae over and over again.

When I stopped singing my shabad I opened my eyes and realized everyone in the room is looking at me and my roommates mom, says were your parents proud that you did keertan, did they encourage you to do it more, I said yes… she then said you can hear the pain in your voice when you sing, sing more often. 

I think I should sing more often, I do want to learn more keertan, I dont want to go and perform though, I was to do it as a form of bhagtee … I dont want to do keertan for others so I can win prizes or hear praises, I want to do it so I literally feel the peace inside me when I sing like I did today. I forgot my surroundings, I forgot who was there and who wasnt, I just kept singing, by the time I was done I almost had tears in my eyes.

I wish to learn more keertan, to sing shabads like this and feel the same feeling I had while singing everyday, every moment, through every breath I take. Nothing can compare to it…. Waheguru ji hopefully will bless me with this… because I dont think I will be able to live without it.

So tired of all the people of the world, the ones who promise things and never fulfill them, the ones who say they care but when the time comes no ones there. I used to think my life was bad before I moved out to San Jose, but I’m realizing that it was never good in the first place. Not once was it ever how I wanted it to be. Maybe its because I expect too much out of life, I want to be happy all the time, I expect people to be a certain way around me. 

I’m realizing that will never happen, what I always want will never happen. I have been falling out of routine with sikhi for a long while now, maybe that’s why everything I hope not to happen keeps happening with me. I don’t have a car for me to go to gurdwara everyday, but i wish I did… I feel like I can sit there minding my own business and read gurbani all day long with the ardaas of finding peace within me. I don’t want to deal with the people around, more like I would like to keep my emotions to myself like I use to do. My soul is in chaos as of right now, I feel like it’s slowly dying away with all the negativity that’s around me. 

It’s just harder when you can’t lean on someone, especially family…. even more when the people you think are like family show their backs to you. Only person left is Guru ji, who you know is in your heart the whole time but you fail to acknowledge him. Why would my life be how i want it to be? The main person who gives it to me is the one thing I’m failing to look at. 

It won’t be happening anymore though, I can’t look at people and see the good in anyone no more… It hurts to say it that way but it does. I just want that peace now… I just want to be with guru ji, and thats it, dont want to please people, dont care what people out there say about me, its only me and my guru not me and them from now on.

I feel lonely every day of my life. I’m always silent because there’s never anyone to talk to. Everyone around me always say I’m here for you, talk to me. You guy’s aren’t going to help me with my problems you can only make me feel better for the time being. I stay silent and I over-think everything. Someone close makes a small gesture I start thinking so many things about why he/she did that for me. I want to go out and hang with most of the sangat around here, but I don’t feel comfortable because I feel like they have their own little cliques who their most comfortable hanging with. I sometimes wonder if they think I’m wierd, maybe because I notice when I go to gurdwara that they look at me in a wierd way as if I’m not one of THEM.I can’t talk to people in LA, mainly because I don’t want people to pity me either, same time I wish they would. If I talk people are gonna want to know know what happened for me to be this way in a city so far from home. I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about that no more, mainly because after knowing my story people have only wanted to keep their distance from me than be closer to me and become my support. Many have helped but after a certain point they stop helping and its not their faults either… after all someone who isn’t family can’t help you all your life. Can’t trust anyone out here either, got to keep your guard up at all times no matter how many promises they make to you, you have to have a back up plan on how to do stuff, otherwise some are just there to take advantage of you and leave you to suffer by yourselves. 

There’s only one person out there who I trust with my life, but now even I’m having my doubts on that. I made so many promises just so they won’t leave like everyone else did. But I guess even all those promises aren’t enough since they want to leave me now. I do feel neglected by them at many times, since when I meet them I don’t always get welcomed with a smile like I used to, nowadays its more of a serious person that feels dread just being there. I can always feel an uneasiness in the air when we talk, but when I get upset and talk about it I then feel guilty because I feel like I’m the one wrong in even saying all of this to them. I then end up blaming myself for why am I thinking all of this, did they really do that to me or was it just my imagination speaking. I then end up having to apologize.

I was happy this whole year, until I went to Lalkaar, I believe after I came back from Lalkaar is when everything started to change, before that I feel like I was a totally different person. I know I would feel lonely before, but now its just all changed. I feel like when I ask for rides they make excuses to not come, so they wont have to lie to others. Sometimes I feel like its not excuses but them being fed up of actually helping me. As of today July 16 I have not eaten for 3 full days… only because the stress of over-thinking is making my head hurt to the point where I can’t think straight no more. I have started doing my nitnem properly again but it only calms me down for a bit but afterwards I’m still in the same situation.
This time last year I had cut myself twice, and was in the middle of therapy, there’s so much on my mind that I feel like I can break any second and go back to being that way. I don’t even think I will have a problem doing that either… I’m holding myself back from so much only to make me feel like I’m going more crazier by the second.

I don’t know who to go to, or what to do, since my parents aren’t going to help one bit, or even understand my situation. No one but me knows what’s going on inside me. I calm myself down with gurbani and do ardaas to make everything better everyday now, but as each day goes by nothings working out the way I want it to. Sometimes I wish I was never born into this world. I feel like with me being here I make everyone elses life a living hell as well as my own. Just knowing that I cause someone else pain gives me more pain.